Virtual World Tour

Ladies and gentlemen. Please accept Kore Airlines apology for the late departure on this sector of M’s VWT. The delay was caused by the flight captain failing to appear for take-off duty on the agreed date due to forgotten pre-arranged jaunt offshore involving food, drink and little penguins. After sobering up a semi-official reprimand from the Blog Owner, the flight captain has donned a clean uniform and is ready to taxi. Please enjoy your trip…

I am totally a fan of Home Decorating magazines. Even the ones in the Sunday magazine that show a Missoni rug worth $8990. What can I say? I am clearly a masochist since my own decorating abilities hover between zero and please call an interior designer. Stat.

I know these things are totally set up by heavily invested stylists and weirdly hip home decorating journalists, who probably spend their vacations in dark, dusty warehouses tracking down that hideous trendy orange glass vase from the seventies that is the decorating trend de jour. But it doesn’t stop me feeling as if Villa Kore is the kind of project that would take $4,000,000 and the next 24 issues of the magazine to whip into any kind of acceptable shape.

So, for your perusal, I hereby present the public display along with the behind the scenes explanation as written up for Home Barely Presentable Living – guaranteed to make the most stylistically challenged of you to feel enormously better almost immediately.

But first, your guide for the tour…

Yes. Right by the front door hangs this charming hand drawn portrait of your hostess, aged ten and three quarters. In a blue tweed suit with leopard-skin velvet collar and red handknit jumper. If you think I look sulky, well done! I was an unbelievably shy child and standing still in  front of a large crowd while some street artist sketched my freckled nose and stringy hair was agonising and I am still traumatised by the experience.

What you can’t see here: the year it was drawn. I’m not giving that away any time soon.

Charmingly retro front entry has Kauri pine desk and vintage doctor’s bag as a point of focus. The Indian Slate floor tiles add to the welcoming ambience of this cleverly designed home.

What you can’t see here: Every slate on the entire floor is cut crookedly as the walls are not square. The art glass flowers on display in the green vase were destroyed when the handle of my handbag swept them onto the slate floor as I was leaving for work. The picture constantly slips off the brass stand to lie flat on the desk and I had to remove three sets of keys, an iPod charger, two expired train tickets, copious amounts of dust and a car polishing cloth before taking the photograph.

The home owner has cleverly recycled these clear glass containers to display healthy food options such as pulses, brown rice and untoasted muesli.

What you can’t see here: On the right, just out of frame, the large fishbowl shaped ex-pickle jars with odd cork stoppers that hold an assortment of sugar lollies, Maltesers and chocolate toffees. And two stale crackers.

The organic shapes of these white china pieces against the faux stone benchtops add a sophisticated element to an otherwise functional space.

What you can’t see here: The twenty-seven wine corks in the gravy bowl, the automatic garage door opener in the bottom of the white jug, the white vase with very dead jonquils removed only seconds before photo shoot,  all of last weeks opened mail (ditto), the bright yellow bottle of dish washing liquid that simply cannot be put into the cupboard under the sink by any other household member for reasons that I am persistently unable to fathom and the terminal level of tarnish on the silver serving spoon.

Clever re purposing of domestic objects is a feature of this stylish household. The refrigerator door provides the perfect position for a family members to demonstrate their creativity as well as their massive consumption of chocolate hazelnut spreads.

What you can’t see here: The creeping mass of fridge magnets advertising local plumbers, real estate agents, fish and chip shops and medical centres, invitations to parties held three years ago, a cute picture of football team drawn by a five year old who has since blown out 23 candles on his last birthday cake, outdated petrol discount dockets and brown and curling shopping lists.

Divine French reproduction clock adds a touch of je n’e sais quoi to brick feature wall in the well fitted out downstairs study.

What you can’t see here: Clock has never worked. Paper face is wrinkled and peeling where I attempted to remove it so I could change the main workings in vain attempt to get it ticking. At least it tells the right time twice a day. Brick feature wall is actually the outside wall of the house and was meant to be plastered and painted in the Great Home Renovation Project of 1991 but somehow missed. Painted vile pink it is massive dust and dead insect collector.

A wall of pine lined cubbies provide the perfect place to display books in the study, beautifully catalogued by spine colour for a magical rainbow effect. This is an easy idea for you to employ with your own book collections.

What you can’t see here: The Study is also my laundry. Certain other inhabitants refuse to understand the concept of laundry baskets when the floor is much more convenient. Along with the balance of the book collection which has overwhelmed won’t fit on the shelves. And three unmatched filing cabinets, a large box of donated goods for the charity shop and every other bit of ugly junk that has been relocated from other parts of the house but nobody is willing to throw out. To say nothing of the spaghetti tangle of wires that attach scanners, printers, external drives, laptops, radio, heater, laptops, camera chargers, computer, shredder, laptops and routers to the ten powerboards tastefully scattered about. And there might be another laptop in there somewhere.

Outdoors the look has a pared down, post modern vibe with simple sculptural lines and natural materials.

What you can’t see here: The 20 litre blue plastic tub of pool chlorine, the leaf skimmer and pole, the bbq shelter built to Senior Household Member’s own design and resembling brick bus shelter characteristic of  the post WWII building boom of the 1950’s, hundreds of old plastic plant pots awaiting recycling, spider webs and their creators, sundry weeds coming up through gaps in the paving and large amounts of possum crap droppings.

We hope you have enjoyed this tiny glimpse of what is possible in a simple family home. Next month’s issue will show the immaculately decorated bedrooms and how to make a patchy drought affected garden look green and lush using no water and silk flowers.

Should you wish to explore my random life in more detail, you can find my daily photo blog here.